I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
