I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
