I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
