You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
