My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
