so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The best revenge is premature balding
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
