My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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