i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just high enough for therapy.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
