I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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