Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
