you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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