Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
