you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
