i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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