i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
