i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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