textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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