He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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