You made me cry and you don't even care
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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