how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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