I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
