i was born a porn star she said
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
