Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
