I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
