I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
