Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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