things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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