If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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