so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
