i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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