I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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