i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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