dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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