I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
