All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
