i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
