Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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