drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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