Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
