Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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