i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
