haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
