Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
