Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I got inside last night via doggy door
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
