i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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