She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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