Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
