he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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