Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
