I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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