So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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