If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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