you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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