Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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