Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize