If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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