Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
